2010 was very emotional and educational. For me at least. In 2010, I cried, I laughed, I felt complete sadness, I felt stress. I felt a level of depression I had never felt before. It was scary. I felt utter happiness. I felt love. I felt abandonment. I realized I’m selfish. I need attention. I crave affection. I’m giving. I’m caring. I’m lazy. I’m passive. I’m aggressive. I’m quiet for certain things… I learned a lot.
But one thing I realized last night, the day before the New Year, was that I have never given myself the chance to love myself. CUE THE “Oh, geez…” Shaddap. It’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
You know how people wanna make a better THEM? Yeah, well, that ties down to loving yourself. Because it starts from there. I NEED. Need. Need. Need. Need. Need to focus on me. I need to love the body my soul is in. Jesus, I really need that. I’m getting older. Not getting in touch with myself is NOT good. Should have done this a while ago, but I’m glad I’m wanting to do it now rather than later, you know?
That’s my only goal for 2011 and for forever. To love me. Because at the end of the day, I’m alone. I was born alone, and I will die alone. I am my biggest supporter. I am my best friend. I am my lover. I am my parents. I have to take care of myself. Sure I have people around me who will help, but they won’t be with me at all times to hold my hand and guide me through it. I can’t rely on people. At all. It’s just the honest truth. All I have is me. So if I can’t rely on myself, got dammit. Who do I have?
SO … Me, Cynthia F., solemnly swear to take better care of the person I am. Because I’m all I have. In loving myself, only good can come my way. I will feel no depression, no stress, no sadness, no anger, no abandonment, no need to crave attention or affection … none of that. Just good. All good.
Happy New Years, guys.